The recipe

My dad is famous for his combination cooking.   The same dish will change depending on what day it is.  Day 1 is your normal dish.  Day 2 may add a can of corn and Day 3 a pack of noodles.

Never the same dish twice.  Ever.

But, somehow it works.

Much like my family portraits over the years.  The 90’s include Brandy, Lauren, Jessi, Colby, and Jacob. Later years add Lea, Reagen, Rahsheen and JaeYoung Kim.  Was it hard?  Yes. Try feeding 4 teenage boys.

I won’t begin to talk about their laundry. Wait.  Yes I will.  Mount Dodson could never be climbed.  It caused lots of division.  Little things like laundry seem to have a way of doing that.

Just like words.

And feelings.

And the two combined can cause danger.

It is hard to know if anything you say can help a situation.  As a mother, you can only hope and worry and pray.

Even when you feel like no one is listening.

But more importantly, when they are.

I am a firm believer in raising children. When people ask, Jeff and I will explain our kids like-mine, yours, ours and theirs. I know you can not do it alone, because we have had lots of help.

I also know there are times that I regret my actions.  Remorse is a good thing though. Especially when it changes your behavior for good.

Please remember if I have ever acted in a way that is regretful, I am truly sorry.

I was raised to be honest and tell the truth regardless of the consequences.  I was also told sometimes “your word is all you got”.  Sometimes it felt like it was.

But it is not.  You see that is what depression does to you.  The highs are less high and the lows only become lower.  You avoid everything you need and spiral downhill until it conquers you and makes you fear and dread the future.  You end up isolated with a helpless feeling of no way out.  

We all know this.

All 41 million of us, who have related to a very depressed man who was my friend. We analyze this podcast and we all agree on one thing.  We all want to change what happened.  But, we can not.  

We then lash out and blame, because we can hide behind our phones.  I have lost someone before and I know that anger can be part of healing.

So I am asking you to challenge yourself. Because what we really must do is change ourselves. Not that you can change anything about John, but so you can make a difference before there is another John lost in your town and your life.   

Dig deep with in yourself, not for solving the mystery of the gold.  Look for the kindness and love and honesty and all the pure goodness that we all possessed as children.  And pass it on until it becomes a habit.

I want to thank everyone of you in advance for every action and every effort.

41 million can make a difference.  

I just know it.

I will start with me.  I hope you will follow. 

There is nothing to laugh about when it comes to suicide.


If you are having feelings of depression, on behalf of everyone that loves you, please, please, PLEASE contact:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Available 24 hours everyday

If you are not having these feelings, hold a door, smile, be patient and kind.  Look up from your phone and relate to someone. And delete that negative text from your phone when you have the urge to be mean, but more importantly delete it from your mind.  Spread the love to yourself!  

My hope for the future – My children

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